The scars that abused women bear aren’t always visible. Abusive relationships leave emotional scars that can continue to damage you, even after your relationship has ended and your abuser is long gone. To truly heal yourself and open the door to your newer, happier life, use these seven keys:
You did not choose to be a victim of domestic abuse — make no mistake about that! The act of self-examination does not include any suggestion of blame. Instead, delve into your needs and your values. How have your past actions reflected your values? How have you tried to fulfill your needs? Are there healthier, more productive ways to achieve satisfaction in your life? Answering these questions will help you make better decisions about loving relationships in the future.
Despite what your abuser may have told you, you are worthy of love. In fact, you are worthy of your own love! And you need do nothing to “earn” love from yourself, or from anyone. Get comfortable with this idea, and care for yourself with loving kindness and patience. Loving yourself will free you from the need to please others, and allow you to give freely to others simply because you get pleasure from giving.
Please know this: there is nothing wrong with you. It’s time to accept your whole self, imperfect though you may feel. Accept that you have strengths and weaknesses. Understand that you, like everyone in this world, will make mistakes now and then. Strive to learn from mistakes rather than berate yourself for them. Giving up limiting beliefs about yourself will free you to become a more perfect version of yourself.
It’s likely that the domestic violence you experienced has damaged your self-esteem. Abusive relationships have a way of breaking a woman down until she no longer believes in herself. Now is the time to start rebuilding your self-esteem, in large ways and small ones. Make a list of your talents and gifts, and begin using them again. Set small goals, and celebrate when you achieve them. Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations — when you start paying attention to your thoughts, you’ll be amazed at the difference you can create in yourself.
However difficult it was to escape domestic abuse, you had the confidence to do it. Now take that confidence and put it to work throughout your life. Practice speaking slowly and with quiet authority. Check your posture to make sure you’re not slumping, avoiding eye contact with others, or appearing fearful and defensive. You’ll find that you really can “fake it till you make it!” As your appearance and actions reflect more self-confidence, you’ll begin to truly feel more powerful.
Inside you is a piece of the Divine. Understand this, and understand your worth. Your worth is intrinsic. Your only job is to take the gift you’ve been given — the gift of your new life — and fill it with the people and situations that help you to thrive.
As you learn to appreciate your strengths and understand your motivations, you’ll find ways to fulfill yourself — new ways that don’t have to involve pleasing others. Empower yourself to achieve your dreams with education, creativity, and focus. Make joy and growth the first priorities in your life, and examine each thought and action to make sure they’re aligned with your priorities.
At first you may feel uncomfortable devoting so much thought, time, and effort to yourself. This is a common after-effect of domestic abuse. Begin with small, consistent steps and build momentum over time. You’re taking back control of your life — not with fear or sadness, but with great love and faith. Use these keys every day, and unlock the happy future you’ve been dreaming of.
Robert Moment is a life coach, speaker and author of several life-transforming books, Domestic Abuse and Domestic Violence Help for Abused Women and Domestic Violence Survivors, Verbal Abuse: How Women Can Successfully Recognize, Respond to and Overcome Verbally Abusive Relationships and Abusive People, and How Do You Find Happiness . Robert specializes in maximizing human potential for happiness , purpose and success. Visit http://www.DomesticAbuseandDomesticViolence.com and sign-up for the FREE Life-Transforming e-courses on Overcoming Domestic Abuse and Verbal Abuse